*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
#NeverForget
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room