Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
This guy’s not having it 😆
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
#NeverForget
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.