I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The big book of baby names but for safe words
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.