My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.