I mean…but I did
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here