After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Breaking news:
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s