My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.