I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
craving $300 all of a sudden
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie