Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
HELP 😭
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there