[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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1.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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