WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
so, is there a mister shapen head
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes