We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Just got to our Airbnb!
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”