Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI