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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!