Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Phonetics
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.