Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.