Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.