[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
#CatsOnTwitter
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more