I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom