Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
my mind
You just read my mind
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
the three branches of government
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”