date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You Might Also Like
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you