Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you