The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Midwest trash talk
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.