Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
You Might Also Like
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
an octopus is just a wet spider
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?