Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit