Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)