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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
don’t we all
…u ok Nintendo?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Found my door mat