ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You Might Also Like
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?