You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
You Might Also Like
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.