We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You Might Also Like
Saw online –
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed