I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You Might Also Like
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.