Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were