You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are