Monica just destroyed the internet
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.