If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.