I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.