I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
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Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
That de-escalated quickly
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.