Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
You Might Also Like
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
😂😂😂