If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
You Might Also Like
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
i choose….tongue
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Worth remembering.