i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Stop sending me this shit.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.