Somebody call the cops.
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared