The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Shoo shoo! 😂
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
This is a true ally.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
titanic
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN