Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
2 years later
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.