taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.