At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
That time Alicia messaged me
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today