[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
We need more people like this.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”