When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH