Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.