which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
A family that plays together cheats.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?