Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
that’s really how it is
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time